BY Camille Jones
Pisces (Feb 20th – March 20th): You’re going to confidently run up the stairs to impress Greg, trip, pee yourself, and lay weeping in the fetal position. You’re gonna miss fourth hour.
Aries (March 21st – April 19th): As the great Socrates once said, “please stop dabbing. It’s 2018.”
Taurus (April 20th – 20 May): There is a proper way to use “whom.” Google it. Stop embarrassing yourself.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st): You can’t keep staying up until 5 AM doing jigsaw puzzles of 19th century expressionist paintings. That 1000 piece Matisse can wait.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 23rd): Your dog is actually going to eat your homework. It’s gonna grab it out of your weak little hands, soak it in spit, and shred it in front of you while you watch. And no one will believe you. Ever.
Leo (July 24th – August 23rd): Something terrible is gonna happen, but who cares! When you subsequently call 911 the operator will be such a smooth talker you’ll forget all about your protruding femur and fall in love.
Virgo (August 24th – September 22nd): You and your crush will be cuddling on the couch, watching a romantic comedy. Suddenly, your dog will approach from across the room. It’ll stand up on its hind legs, blink slowly, and say, “I’ve done it… I’ve finally done it.”
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd): We’re concerned for you. Please, we’re your family. You’re tearing us apart. Stop. Wearing. Crocs.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 22nd): You will be solely responsible for the return of JNCO jeans in 2034.
Sagittarius (November 23rd – December 20th): Your clothes will shrink by .0001% every day until you’re convinced you’ve become a giant.
Capricorn (December 21st – January 20th): Quit freaking out over the rain. Stop pointing it out. We know it’s raining. We can see that it’s raining. Please.
Aquarius (January 21st – February 19th): Make sure not to wear your polyester jumpsuit on lab day. That’s a fight with a Bunsen burner you’re guaranteed to lose.