Scorpio: Pay attention Scorpio, if you’re not careful the IRS will catch you for tax evasion and arrest you during your Thanksgiving dinner. Tough stuff!
Sagittarius: As Jupiter enters retrograde, Greg will be sleeping in his leftover Halloween candy. It’s calm. It’s peaceful. It’s Greg.
Capricorn: Unfortunately, your Secret Santa gift exchange will be ruined when you find out that they already have that Steam-Punk Dora outfit. Now they’ll have to return it. Maybe Diego this time?
Aquarius: Leave your shoes on your front porch. You may or may not get a special surprise from Hoppus the evil Thanksgiving bunny.
Pisces: Bad news: There will be a human toe in your Starbucks venti. Good news: It will be 15% off.
Aries: Lucky you! Remember that black cat you crossed paths with on Halloween night? If you break a mirror real quick you’ll be okay. Remember that two bad lucks always equal good luck.
Taurus: Anyone remember in 2016 when we were all scared of clowns roaming the streets? Haha bro that was crazy!
Gemini: Riding in airplanes is always scary, but next time you take a flight- watch out! Don’t worry you won’t crash…. But that loopdeeloop is gonna be sick!
Cancer: Terrible news! Pitbull will announce a new album!! This isn’t specific to this sign, but we can all agree that sucks.
Leo: Make sure you check behind your living room couch; you’ll find your old Nintendo DSi. Unfortunately, you forgot to feed your Nintendogs and now they are all dead 😦 Press F to pay respects 😦
Virgo: According to the cosmos (and our secret sources from deep inside the White House) the next presidential alert will be about you. You know what you did!
Libra: Do you like books? Well, you should! *This horoscope sponsored by the Jenks Media Center*