‘Twas The Night Of Hallmark Holiday Movies
By: Reese Watson
For my entire life I have stayed pure, until now, until this very moment. My brain has never been blurred by its means, and my eyes have never been burned by this form of unholy entertainment. But now, it’s all coming to an end. I am going to have to watch some Hallmark Christmas movies.
When I decided to do this story I knew what I signed up for, but nothing could prepare me for what I truly experienced on that fateful night. When I told my friends I was doing this story, they held their breath and wished me luck. When I told my Mom I was doing this story, she smiled and eagerly asked if she could join me. I immediately declined, I didn't need her positive opinions holding me back.
The date was December 2nd, 2022. It was a Friday night and I started at 7:00 p.m. Picking the movies via quick descriptions on Google was the easiest part, almost like drawing names out of a hat. Each movie sounded the exact same and looked the exact same: a stereotypical middle aged, vanilla couple plastered in front of Christmas themed stock photos. And let’s not forget the names of these movies, it’s always something involving the word Christmas. For example, “Reunited For Christmas,” “Home For Christmas,” and if you want to shake it up a little, “Christmas Town.”
I watched these Hallmark movies back to back, which induced sleepy eyes and a light migraine (but we’ll get to that part of the watch fest later). I also had to buy a Hallmark movie subscription that I canceled directly after watching these movies, (that's five dollars I’ll never get back) so if that doesn’t show dedication I don’t know what does. I decided to rate these movies based on seven things:
The Characters: how unlikeable and basic can these pasty people really be?
The Setting: does it take place anywhere besides a small town in crises or a family owned bakery?
The Cliches: how many basic tropes are used/how much do they make middle-aged women swoon?
The Conflict: how good was the five minute, quickly resolved conflict at the end of the movie?
The Ending: how satisfying was it?
The Christmas Value: does it get my holly jolly jingle bells ringing?
The Story And Overall Plot : was it even any good?
#1: A Gingerbread Romance
The "A Gingerbread Romance" movie poster.
The first movie I watched was “A Gingerbread Romance,” a story about a working woman/architect named Taylor, who spends the entire movie fighting for a promotion through competing in a lifesize gingerbread house competition. Her basic “romantic” counterpart in this movie is Adam, (and yes I used quotations on the word romantic. These people had as much chemistry as two pieces of white bread) a single--buff--dad looking to bake his way through life in order to provide for his idiotic daughter, Brooke. Together they try to build this gingerbread house in one week.
The main characters themselves are bland, it almost feels like the entire time they’re just beings without brains, every character says nothing of value, and it almost feels like their dialogue was written in spanish then sent through google translate back to english. Everything throughout this entire movie either sounds dubbed over, or clunky and incoherent. The side characters are just placeholders and really have no personality. Overall, this movie doesn't feature any real characters, just cardboard cutouts pretending to be people.
The setting is some random city, they never really disclose where they are--I’m guessing New York--but we never see anywhere around the city except for a bakery, Taylor and Adams houses, as well as the convention center where the competition is taking place. But Hallmark does stay on brand by making the bakery family owned…so that's something.
Hallmark is created on clichés, some of the ones that stuck out in this movie were dancing alone in an empty building, kiss interruptions, the “you’re my true home” speech, semi enemies to lovers, and finally the first kiss being under the mistletoe. I appreciated what they were trying to do with these, but with zero chemistry and development between the two main characters, it just made their “romantic” interactions somewhat awkward. Would they make a middle-aged woman swoon? I don’t know…maybe a confused one.
The conflict at the end of this movie was Taylor who wanted the promotion, getting the promotion without telling Adam. The gingerbread house competition ends on Christmas Eve, meaning that Taylor would have to leave town on Christmas day, and move to Paris, France! Literally who wouldn’t take that? I know I would. He is obviously very upset, thinking that they were going to spend Christmas together and fall in love. But, of course this conflict was resolved in five minutes with Taylor running back to Adam telling him that, “Anywhere with you is home.” This conflict was disappointing and equated to little drama.
The ending of this movie was bland and boring. We still don’t know what happened with Taylors job, or if Adam finally decides to open up his bakery, but yay, they end up together… yeah, well we all knew that would happen anyway.
The Christmas value was probably the only okay part of this movie. Crappy royalty free Christmas music--sure. Cheap Christmas decorations--I love it. Giant-fake “gingerbread houses” that are actually made out of cardboard and paint--give it to me all day. The Christmas value was there, but did it jingle my bells? Maybe one singular one.
The story is basic, but Hallmark as a whole is basic, however this movie wasn’t just basic it was borning. The plot is kinda okay I guess but there’s no good dialogue or development between the two main characters which really holds the story back. The movie feels slow in parts because characters are just sitting around doing nothing, and it’s also weird to think that these two strangers went from bickering to kissing in less than seven days--but whatever I guess. I would definitely never rewatch this movie again, unless as a torture tactic. However, I wasn't disappointed because I didn’t expect anything better.
This movie made me frustrated and bored--a solid ⅕ Hallmark cards for “A Gingerbread Romance.”
#2: Let It Snow
The "Let It Snow" movie poster.
By the time I decided to watch this movie it was around 9:00 and I was bone tired. “A Gingerbread Romance,” completely wore me out with boredom and I knew I would have to get up early the next day for work, but I continued to press on! The movie “Let It Snow” was highly rated on google--by what I assume to be stay-at-home moms--so I decided to give it a shot. I started the movie hopeful and ready to give another one of these abominations a try.
The movie follows another busy business woman Stephanie, played by the homopho-- I mean talented Candace Cameron Bure, and you're average looking white male Brady, who's probably played by some washed up child actor from the 90’s. The gist of the movie is that Stephanie is working under her father, and he runs a business in developing high-end resorts marketed towards adults. Brady’s parents own and operate a ski lodge that's popular during the Christmas season. But when his parents want to sell the lodge because they don’t trust him running it, Stephanie is sent to scope out the place and take notes for her father/boss on how to improve it. I would also like to say that the entire time I watched this movie I took notes, and the biggest thing written on the page was, “BOTH GRINCHES WITH DADDY ISSUES,” in all caps, so there’s our main couples personalities for you. Brady then ends up having to show Stephanie a real insider look into the lodge, as they both fight the urge to express their love and (inevitably) kiss under the mistletoe. And yes, before you ask, this one also takes place in the span of seven days.
I don’t know if this is a common trend with these movies, but all these characters are so bland. I tried, I really did try to relate, or even to like these characters, but it's just so hard to like something that has as much character as a cardboard box--hey maybe even less, we all saw what SpongeBob could do with a cardboard box. But these writers aren’t half as clever as the SpongeBob ones, so because of this, we’re left with poorly constructed characters that have no direction except for the end goal of ending up together. I couldn’t tell you a single other character's name in this movie except for Brady and Stephanie, so the only other word I have for any other one of these characters is insignificant.
This movie stays on the “Hallmark brand” by having the setting be a ski lodge in a small town, that I’m guessing is somewhere in the north east. This setting is a lot better than the ones in our ”Gingerbread Romance,” so props I guess for that.
Trust me on this one, the clichés were there, enemies to lovers, kiss interruptions, your occasional flirting, or cringy one liners--hey, even going to sleep while doing a made-up Swedish tradition of spinning around and throwing your shoes at your door, then having a dream that the man you lowkey kind of hate, will one day (maybe) be your future husband, then proceed to immediately drop all hatred for him and fall in love with him…oh wait, I guess that isn’t a popular trope, just a weird plot choice in the movie…weird. But in all seriousness, it’s hard to pull off a good trope if your two leads have no chemistry--just saying.
By the time the conflict came along in the last five minutes of the movie, I was incredibly sleepy, frustrated, and I could feel a headache brewing--I wanted everything to be over with. I was mad that I was out of hot chocolate and snacks, but I was mostly mad that I still had more of this movie to watch. So, back to that conflict, it was essentially this ski lodge having to go under renovation and change completely once Stephanie's dad/boss (I guess you could say her “doss,” haha get it…sorry that was horrible) got a hold of the place. Stephanie tries to stop this by just using her words and convincing him otherwise--which yeah, just use your words when talking to a money hungry business man. Obviously, it doesn’t work--but then five minutes later, surprise, Stephanie's “doss” looks back on his relationship with his daughter and realizes he wasn’t there for her the way she needed, and ends up giving the ski lodge back over to Brody and Stephanie. I honestly thought this conflict was way better than the “Gingerbread” one, so I’ll take it any day.
The ending was predictable, but isn’t that how it always is? Isn’t that what makes these movies so comforting in our ever changing world? I guess so, Brady and Stephanie’s story ends the same as Taylor and Adam’s, with a kiss under the mistletoe.
This movie mentions how important Christmas truly is, it also creates a ton of fake Christmas traditions from around the world and has Brady’s mother obsess over them. The Christmas value is there, but it just seems forced and artificial in this movie, like for example when every guest at the lodge stands around some Christmas tree, swaying while singing an old hymn--a little weird if you ask me. Overall, it did not jingle my bells.
The story was a lot more interesting than the other Hallmark movie I watched, but it suffers from being long and boring. I remember continuously checking the tv to see when the movie would even end. Honestly, I just didn’t care towards the end. Bland and boring--that was what I thought of the plot. However, not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, it’s actually the best hallmark movie I’ve ever seen…I know that because I’ve been watching these movies since 7 p.m.
Lazy, boring, sloppy--a solid ⅖ Hallmark cards for “Let It Snow.”
Immediately after I finished this movie I fell asleep. I had planned on watching more, but then I realized I would just be watching the same movie over and over again. It was about 11 p.m when I finally quit, and you can make fun of me all you want, but these movies really wore me down--nobody tells you how strenuous it can be to watch two painful, low-budget movies in a row. Even writing this is giving me flashbacks to my feelings from that night.
To wrap up my thoughts on this movie extravaganza--these movies aren’t my cup of tea. I love slow, well thought out development that leaves me wishing for more, not begging for it to be finished. I know that that’s why people love these movies, they’re the same, predictable, comforting, I guess that's just not for me. With so much media that we as people can consume it boggles my mind how some can just watch marathons of these movies--there’s just so many better, comforting romance movies out there. Look, I don't know, maybe whoevers watching these movies is just scared to branch out, and if that’s the case, maybe they just need to be brave enough to go out there--take a leap of faith--and find the movies that will have a lasting impact forever.
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