What Do High School Students Really Know About Relationships?
By: Darby Graff
When you’re on the outside of highschool, relationships can seem… stereotypical. From the perfect popular couple to the nice nerds that only see eachother at school. However, highschool life is not Freaks and Geeks. It’s much more than that. Everybody finds someone whether they fall into their clique or not and everybody has relationship issues. It’s understanding the root of these issues that contributes to much healthier relationships in the future, but the real question is do high schoolers know anything about the important things that go into relationships despite where they fall on the totem pole?
To solve this question I went to high schoolers themselves via a questionnaire. On this I asked what they believed to be the most important aspects of relationships. I allowed them to give five responses and made them put their grade and gender affiliation. I already had what I thought would be the most important aspects- like communication, boundaries, respect, trust, and attraction. My response is the result of being in a relationship for two years and being friends with people who have been in more toxic relationships than I can count. Despite my endless amounts of knowledge on relationships, I knew I needed to refer to the professionals. So, I googled the same question I asked my fellow high schoolers.
Here is what I found: On the New York Government website I found that professionals had already been wondering what traits make up a “healthy relationship”, and on top of that they created a list that described exactly that. Their list consisted of “honesty, trust, respect, and open communication”. This list was followed by more specific descriptors which I found to be just as important, if not more so. They described that there must be no imbalance of power- hence the mutual respect. Partners must respect each other’s independence- which really plays into all four- and that ultimately your partner can make decisions with no fear of retaliation or retribution.
So, if experts say that the most important aspects of relationships are honesty, trust, respect, and open communication, what do highschool students think and is it at all similar?
In total I had 51 responses, 34 of them are female, 16 of them are male, and one person is gender fluid. There were overall three tenth graders with one being female and the other two being male. There were six females and two males in eleventh grade. The largest number of responses I received were from twelfth graders. With the number of females being 27 and the number of males being 12 and one genderfluid person.
After I looked over at my responses I don’t think that gender or grade had much to do with anything. 33 of the responses stated that one of the most important aspects of a relationship is trust. 36 responses said that communication was one of the most important aspects. 20 of the responses said that honesty was one of the most important aspects. 21 responses said that respect was one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Overall there are three responses that included trust, honesty, communication, and respect, and it was two females and one person who is genderfluid.
Even though there was only one response that got the question completely right by professional standards- students still included other traits that I think are important to highlight. Security, emotional intelligence, and being able to understand each other's love languages are traits that are incredibly valuable in any kind of relationship. Security is important because it allows people to exist outside of the relationship- if there is a lack of security people tend to try and assert their presence when their partner is around, and especially when they are not around. Being secure Is different from trusting your partner because it means trusting the person you're with but also being secure enough with yourself to know you are enough, and if someone cheats on you it’s their problem- not yours. Emotional intelligence only matters if the person you’re in a relationship with has a different level of emotional intelligence. If your partner has a higher or lower level, they might not be able to understand the things you ask of them- whether it’s those deep conversations or boundaries. I think that understanding each other's love languages falls right in with this. If you can’t understand what your person needs to feel loved or even what you need to feel loved then that's kind of a problem.
Overall I think all of the aspects of relationships people included that they deemed to be important were very insightful and none of them had anything to do with being in the same social circles or were materialistic at all. Definitely not Freaks and Geeks.
It’s important to understand the values of relationships when you are young because it can shape your view on them when you are older. According to the U.S department of Health and Human services “Knowing how to establish and maintain healthy romantic relationships can help adolescents develop into well-functioning adults with healthy adult relationships”. That’s why awareness on the importance of honesty, respect, trust, and communication in healthy relationships can help prevent the start of relationships that aren’t rooted in all four.
If being aware and knowledgeable about relationships when you’re young can prevent potentially toxic relationships when you’re older- then how can we promote what healthy relationships look like in an effective way? When I think back to how teachers taught us about relationships and the importance of respect, trust, honesty, and communication- I don’t think of anything because it never happened. Most of our relationship conversations consisted of leaving when you feel peer pressured into doing something you don’t want to do and the warning signs of mental and or physical abuse. All of these are important things to talk about, but is it effectively changing the way people make decisions about relationships? Yes it is. Education about relationships that happens over a course of a child's academic career can instill what values need to be included in their own relationships. However, the key to ensuring these lessons actually enforce positive behavior on the child means creating a safe, smaller, and supportive environment where they feel comfortable to ask questions and raise concerns. If an environment like this is not created then the lesson can lose importance fast.
In a place where all we do is educate we need to educate about one of the most important things that plagues us on Earth- love. Love can be all consuming and truly take over our bodies- preventing us from making decisions that are best for ourselves. Understanding the power of love and the things you need to properly nurture it are beneficial to everyone. This is why the prioritization of relationship education in schools is a way to ensure that kids understand what healthy relationships can truly look like. Maybe in the future when a survey like this is done every single student will put down trust, honesty, respect, and communication.
#jhstrojantorch
